Breath.
Sometimes I have to take a deep breath. Breath in, then 2 months later, – breath out. Not be on the offensive.
As soon as you stop being on the offensive in the occupied Palestine you will start to lag behind. For my part the intensive Christmas celebration forced me to take a deep breath. Stop. After Christmas it has been impossible to write. Not because there haven’t been anything to write about. On the contrary. It has been too much. Too many thoughts. Too many late nights trying to figure this place out. Too many events. It never stops. Every day is a new day worthy of a blog post. Every event could have been a good short story. It’s hard to keep up the pace. Hard to breath in the same pace as this place. As the occupation. As a blogger. Hard to write.
Even though it is hard to follow the pulse of this place as a blogger, it’s not really hard to keep on going to the beat of Palestine. It’s harder not to follow the daily rhythm of occupation and resistance. As a human. That is what we do.
A month ago I had to leave for Egypt to renew my visa again. As last time, it felt weird leaving, and good to come back. This time I only stayed a few days in Dahab, smoking shisha, drinking tea and reading books. Taking a break. Doing nothing. It didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel right at all. Is that how life in Norway will feel like when I’m coming back? Not right. Not right at all? In 20 days I’ll be back in a world without checkpoints, walls, soldiers everywhere, teargas on Fridays, and without constantly having to think “what’s next?”. What more gruesome has the occupation to offer? It’s soon time to burst out of this bubble for real. The thought of it is scary, comforting, annoying, and overwhelming. My heart starts beating faster when I think of it. I don’t know if it is good or bad. Leaving will not be easy. It will not feel good. I’m afraid it will feel wrong. Leaving.
Coming back to Norway. I hope it will be OK. Hopefully it won’t feel wrong. But I’m not sure. Coming back.
Coming back? It’s bizarre. Every time I’m crossing the checkpoint between Bethlehem and Jerusalem, I am met by the eager taxi drivers on the eastern side of the wall. Then I’m coming back. Bethlehem and Beit Sahour is back. Norway is distant. Far away. Cold. It’s where most of my friends live. My family. Still, going back to life in Norway scares me in many ways. It comforts me as well. It really does. But I don’t feel like I’m ready. Not yet.
I might never be ready. Maybe I will feel ready the day the occupation ends? After all, my purpose here is based entirely on the occupation. Being a part of the society in Palestine that every day is resisting oppression and injustice makes me feel in some ways important. More important than I remember that I felt in Norway. More purposeful.
It might not be like this. It’s not as I will leave a black hole after me when I leave Palestine. Not at all. I’m probably able to be as purposeful to the Palestinians, probably even more, when I’m in Norway. My new knowledge, passion, and pragmatism is not unique in occupied Palestine. In Norway it’s different. I think I have a lot to offer in Norway. More than I had before I left. My hope is that Palestinians are better off with me in Norway than here. That makes leaving this place truly meaningful.
Breath in. Breath out. Follow the pace. Start writing again.
One comment on “Breath.”
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Du skriver så utrolig fint og viktig, Lars. Det er en god følelse å føle seg nyttig et sted, og forhåpentligvis er det den følelsen du vil sitte igjen med når du kommer tilbake til Norge, og ikke følelsen av at det er feil å komme tilbake. Engasjementet ditt er inspirerende, og du vil være en kjemperessurs her hjemme- det er jeg helt sikker på. Håper du får gode dager i Palestina den siste tiden, og at du finner ut av det du tenker på!